First Cry



 

First Cry

Image Courtesy, Pinterest

 

"I waited so long,

You answered too late.

Now that you are here;

We are interrupted by fate"

 

“It is gonna be okay, hon. I got you”, Roger, my husband whispers into my ears like a chant. I don’t understand why he has to remind me that everything will be fine. Everything is fine. Can’t he see it? Can he feel it? I want to squeeze his hands that keep rubbing my arm and scream in his ears telling him that I am fine. I want to hug him so badly and drench his shirt in my tears that it almost makes me smile. 

Fifteen years.

We have waited for this day for fifteen years and yet he sounds like he is on the brink of tears. 

“Quit it, Roger. Look around. It is finally happening”, I want to tell him but the words disappear somewhere in my mouth before I could part my lips and say them. I want to yield to the touch of his warm fingers that are gripping my hands with just a little bit of pressure. But I can’t do any of those. My body feels too heavy. My arms are like bricks tied to my shoulders. And my eyes? They are shut so tightly, it pains to even try to open them. 

“Someone, let me out of here. I don’t want to miss this”

But there is no one. Even Roger can’t hear me. Oh what should I do? He doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation. This is a happy moment. The happiest of all even. But I can feel his grip on my hand tightening as he sniffles ever so softly. 

“Roger, are you crying? Why are you crying?”, I ask him but the words don’t reach him, I am sure. He just clears his throat and I feel something cool touch my forehead. 

“It didn’t have to end like this, Lizz. I cannot do this without you”, he says to me and I can hear the tears in his voice. He sounds so broken. So defeated. But why? 

“What can’t you do without me? Please, stop being so sad”, I tell him even if he can’t hear me.

“I shouldn’t have agreed to this. I should have argued. I should have-”, Roger stops mid-sentence as he mumbles a quiet yes to someone. His fingers entwined with mine linger for a few seconds before I hear footsteps and then he is gone. In my mind I smile to myself, realizing what is going to happen next. And slowly, ever so slowly I drift away into a place of total silence where even I can’t resist the urge to finally close my eyes and take a nap before the grand happening. 

***

Hours pass. Or days, maybe even months, I can’t quite make out as I lie in bed. A rather uncomfortable bed and with a terrible uncomfortable pain in my abdomen. The pain was so intense, as if someone had used a scalpel to slice it open. I tried to move my arms but they were still too heavy and almost unmoveable. The pain kept slicing through my lower back and going up and up until met with the pounding in my head. I tried to calm my breathing but the oxygen mask covering my nose and mouth weren’t helping. Then suddenly there was pain everywhere. My head, my arms, my back, my legs, everywhere. As if instead of blood, it was pain running in my veins. 

Roger. Where is Roger? 

I need him. I need to tell him that I am in pain and I need help. Help. Somebody needs to help me.

And then suddenly everything went quiet. The pain disappeared. The suffocation calmed. As every other noise in the room was muffled by a shrill cry. A baby’s cry. A baby’s first cry. And that was all I needed to remember. To bring myself back to reality. 

Someone removed the mask and I felt a shaky hand touching my forehead. 

Roger

“Oh, Lizz she is perfect. So perfect”, Roger’s voice trembles as he speaks and I want to throw my arms around him, laughing in delight. Congratulating him but I can’t feel my limbs anymore. I try to open my eyes as I feel a warm being placed on my chest. It felt heavy and light at the same time. And with my eyes finally open, I peered down at the tiny creature wrapped in a light blue towel. I didn’t realize that I was crying myself until I heard a sob escape my lips. With all the strength that I had left, I lifted my right arm and touched the baby girl lying on my chest. My baby girl. My fingers almost gobbled up her entirely as I found myself losing my breath. She squirms a little as if complaining. I try to laugh at that but I don’t have any strength left. My vision blurs as I find myself dropping my head on the pillow. A faint thud sounds nearby and even in my blurry vision I could make out Roger crying crying like a baby clutching my senseless left arm.

I could feel something slipping inside of me. Not just my strength, or my ability to move or think but something more fundamental. I don’t resist it. I can’t resist it as I am pulled into something by invisible hands as I lose all my senses slowly. 

As my eyelids come down darkening the blurry vision and I finally understand the tears that have been shed today marking the struggle of fifteen whole years. As I finally understand that my fight is over and even though I wish to say so many things to Roger, I muster enough energy and utter my last words for my daughter.

 

“Live long, Ava”.