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The Dawn of Narcissism

 

Many years ago, when I was fresh out of my shell, I was excited about every single thing that was happening around me. But as I stepped into the world, every experience I had spat at me that I wasn’t ready. Every experience crushed me, and the good ones stopped feeling real. But I kept going. As I moved through time, I strengthened every piece of my broken shell and I managed to make a shield out of it. I never let my guard down but still, a lot of things got to me. That was when I wanted you.

When I think about what broke me back then, it doesn’t seem big. The smallest of the things could break me. When I was around seven, I cried for two hours straight just because I didn’t take enough money to the shop to buy the stuff I wanted. When I was eleven, I cried for three hours and contemplated my existence because I couldn’t find the dress I wanted. There was no coherence between the stimulus and the feelings it triggered, it drove me out of sanity. Nevertheless, I gradually got habituated to it. It still seems off but I can handle it. That was when I needed you.

The people who were a major part of my life before are just not there anymore. To them, I’m a nonentity gone into oblivion. Do you know how it feels when every single moment you are in is off? No matter where I am and whom I am with, I feel like I don’t belong there. When I finally found friends, I only had good intentions and I was completely honest with them, yet I was the first to be suspected when something went wrong. The next time I found friends, I invested all my time and effort and let my guard down. And in the end, I didn’t matter. I didn’t know ‘friendship’. I didn’t know how it works. That was when I craved for you.

I wrongly took the advice “just be”. I acted on my impulses, only on my impulses. I never thought about what I was doing, I didn’t care about the impact it would have on me. I was completely irrational. If I could erase one phase of my life, it would be this. I still have no idea what I did back then. Thankfully, I regained my senses. I started thinking again, but this time I couldn’t stop. I spent hours trying to understand everything that was happening around me and within me. But I never understood anything. This was way better than not thinking at all so I just let it be. Back then, I didn’t know that it was the beginning of an enormous identity crisis that would last for around three years. That was when I looked to you.

My thoughts became my enemies and my mind, a deadly disease. I was trapped in a never-ending cycle of paining the numb and numbing the pain. My brain was stuffed with a billion things that never existed. I was always hyped up but nothing came out. I was in hiding, occasionally laughing when I’m sad and crying when I’m happy. Each and every single thing around me overwhelmed me. I had no idea what was going on inside me. Although I knew that there would be no end to this, I was restlessly waiting for the end. I was desperate to lose myself to whatever this was so that I wouldn’t be. That was when I lost hope on you.

When the darkness is in the eyes you see through, light, no matter how bright, can never enter you. When the storm is inside of you, you cannot escape it no matter where you take shelter. When the coldness is within you, no amount of warmth can ever reach you. At such a stage, blocking or not blocking the world outside will not affect anything. I could nullify everything in the world outside but I couldn’t even touch the world inside. And when I finally went inside, having or not having a shell didn’t matter to me. Living in a million pieces or living as a unified entity didn’t matter either. I was the only one who could get to myself. That was when I saw you.

I was at a stage where I was the only one who could influence the way I am. I was the one who hurt me, I was the one who consoled me, I was the one who had fun with me, I was the one who created memories with me and I was the one who missed me. Most of the times, I wasn’t comfortable with my own company, it was suffocating. Yet, I cherished every moment. There was no place for thoughts and emotions, however, they managed to escape sometimes. I lived in my own reclusive world which was impossible for anybody to enter. My world ran on the profoundness of my insecurities. My world was built on a foundation made of stacked cards. My world rested on a graveyard of dreams that fear massacred. My world gave me hidden strength to fight it back, but I didn’t want to. I was reluctant to notice this world. That was when I had my first interaction with you. 

I finally found you. You are the only one who understands me and my strange ways. You are the only one who listens to every word I say. You protected me while allowing me to grow. You guided me out of evil. You pulled me out of myself. You came in like a warm hug in an endless winter. You are the voice that silences the daunts in my head. You are the light that guided me out of the darkness I deliberately locked myself in. I don’t know from when, but that’s how I’ve been creating you. Nothing seems real, but you are definitely real. You just live inside my head.