He is back. At least physically he is.
Ofcourse he is. I cannot help but put my arms around him and ask, “ Where have you been lately?”.
He won't answer. I know. I'm sure of it.
He stands there numb just like I was, in the past.
He is going to leave soon. I'm sure of it too.
And suddenly my arms feel dead tired and I drop them to my sides as I'm struck with the present.
I can see those eyes gleaming with uncertainty.
But things are different.
This time, it's difficult to let him in.
This time, I know how much I will be risking.
This time I already hear the lurking goodbye from the future.
I want to let him in but something warns me of the odds.
I can't let him in this time.
I can't force my intuitions to silence themselves this time.
I know the aftermath.
“Get out !” , I say with a dwindling voice.
I can hear my own heart shattering inside.
I can feel my words cutting straight through his skin.
I can hear the sharp intake of his breath.
For the first time, he looks straight into my eyes as if questioning my behavior. Baffled. Shocked. Hurt.
He stands there numb for a moment or two and then turns back and starts doing what he is best at - Walking away.
But he turns around suddenly and stands facing towards me now.
This time, I will say not a single word.
This time, I will stand my ground.
No one deserves someone who will always take but never give.
No one deserves a person who is so bad at demonstrating the fragility of friendships.
He has always been clumsy with his ways.
He has dropped it too many times now and this time I know little fixing won't do.
I need to pick all this up and throw it out of me. It's hard to go back now.
The courage it took to throw him out of my heart was enormous.
‘You're not welcome back here anymore’. I say with sternness, suppressing my sob.
I stood there waiting for him to look at me. He didn't.
He kept staring at the darkness around us. He didn't look into my eyes, not even once.
'Okay! ’, he said.
I could feel that heart thrashing pain but I couldn't say anything.
I started walking away from him for the first time ever, my hope dwindling with every step.
Some part of me wanted him to call me back while some of it wanted me to run.
I close the door behind me as gently as I can and I watch him getting engulfed by the darkness.
The darkness of the room.
The darkness of his own self.
I want him to come running to me and say that he has changed; that he will not hurt me anymore.
But he doesn't move. He doesn't want to.
The tear-drops that had draped my eyes finally start rolling down as I shut that door completely behind me, realising that he won't change for now.
I will keep on walking, waiting for him to call me again when he's finally in his senses.
I deserve much better.
This I know.
I fall with resolve and end it with certainty.
This time, unlike the past,