Welcome to an old rant that I need to repeat because of recurring feelings regarding the same. 'Ctrl C + Ctrl V' ed right from my Wattpad drafts onto this page, quite shamelessly I might add, this is something I know one or two of those who follow me there have read, but nevertheless, here it is.
Ready? Naw, you ain't ready for this, this is depressing I need a breezer ugh.
Growing up being taught and told that you always need to make sure you're not being a nuisance to others isn't brilliant parenting. It has its merits: a shit ton of people like me and trust me, but to me, I'm always putting my needs and feelings second. That can't be very healthy, can it?
When they keep saying "Oh she's such a lovely, quiet child, no one even knows she's in the room! Doesn't bother anyone for anything!" and that's what you're told is the highest praise you can get, and when you see the glow of pride on your family's face, from a very young age, it's ingrained into your brain that this is tip priority. This is what you must do. And as you grow into adulthood, you start to disassemble the very first thoughts and lessons etched into your mind and question their credibility. Then, you find something wrong, something preventing you from being who you want to be.
Because somewhere somehow resentment accumulates. What starts as the tiniest drop gathers into a pool, which will one day expand into an ocean, and what then? Where do I go from there, without shocking and hurting everyone that likes me? And it's easy to feel resentment. I'm human, and people are always waiting to focus solely on that one mistake I do amongst the shit ton of good stuff. It's like every sacrifice I've made is useless and unworthy after a single slip up. What do you do with yourself when it's like that?
So resentment will be there. But that's not the entire problem.
Let's say I've recognised this and started acting a bit more for myself than for the benefit of others. Let's say I've learned that you can't please everyone. Here, there's a new problem called lack of self esteem.
But no, I don't lack it completely. Because I'm confident in myself and love myself most of the time, but there are those moments where you just can't help but want to throw yourself off a cliff and fall into a cactus field butt-first.
Shortcomings. Everyone reminds you of yours continually. Every day. Every week of every month of every year. And as someone who's always so cautious of what other people's feelings and reactions are so I can react accordingly, when people continuously point out my flaws, it leaves a dent somewhere in my thoughts. A dent that comes to light on nights like right now, where I sit and stew over it and think and think and try to convince myself that it's not so bad, I have many good qualities but no, because they're always pointing this one thing out and if they are then it must be something that I should get rid of or fix or I won't be able to move forward!
I have one question. What's so wrong about having flaws? What's so terrible about being insecure? About not being confident and strong and put together all the time? Why do people have to nitpick at every little insignificant thing and make you feel less than you are? Why, despite knowing all this do I still fall for it and belittle myself? Why is it so hard to pick myself up sometimes, despite the love I have for me?
I'm always scared people will leave me behind. Move on, turn away, lose interest, replace, and I've got a reason for each one, of why each one can happen because of who I am and my millions of shortcomings. I find it hard to swallow a compliment, and I find it harder to believe that the new people I meet actually like me for me. Because people are vicious and toxic, and they can tear you apart inch by inch within a heartbeat. I find it hard to be myself, to open up to people, to just live my life the way I want it to because everyone seems to have a say in it and I can't shake it off so easily.
It's hard. Being an ambivert is hard. Being so sensitive and innocent is hard, and the only way I can protect myself is by being overcautious and over calculating and just over thinking every last decision.
But if it affects the quality of my life, what should I do to stop it?
That's my question.