"To be or not to be."
Well dear Hamlet, if you think the greatest dilemma is to choose between life and death; you've never considered love as a variable in your paradoxical statement.
I'm always confused. That's a flaw in me that has deepened it's roots to my very existence. But my consequences are my own. My indecisiveness has never faltered another decision. Well, that was until she happened.
Trying to describe her is like an artist trying to paint his dreams. You might have all the colours in the world, but the canvas still looks incomplete.
She was the kind you could talk anything with. She always has an opinion and was never afraid to voice it. When she's thinking really hard she has this weird habit of clicking tongue. Not in a weird way though. It's actually pretty cute.
And as these things go across my mind, you'd think I ought to feel love. But here's the twist, I'm terrified. I don't feel warm fuzzy feelings, infact I feel so empty it's always hard to fake a smile around her. I can't risk being that open to someone for the sake of commitment. If something more casual was on the table, maybe I would've considered it. But she's a hopeless romantic who has dedicated a part of her life devouring the stupid commercialised shit rom-coms sell. I can't promise her a heart that has only pieces of it left cause I don't believe it will be strong enough to hold itself together for her.
The worst part is, I know she likes me. And I wish I could do the same. But I can't. If makes me feel like a terrible person but I must do what's best for her. Maybe I'm being selfish but I have other priorities right now. Unfortunately she does not make the list.
I know I'm not the best guy to hang around with. My best friend is a constant reminder. I'm always busy. Projects, academics and home brings up so many issues I hardly get time to myself. My life is a hurricane right now and it just feels wrong to drag another person into the eye of the storm.
I keep on trying to justify my selfishness as an act of selflessness but even I can't convince myself. Am I doing the right thing? I can live with regrets but not broken promises. I wish she'd understand that. This is the first time I actually tried writing out the emotions my stone cold hard could harness. Usually my best friend is the witness to my self pity monologue.
I can't believe I haven't talked about him yet. He's the guy who has been there for me since forever. He has seen all the shades that my soul could express and danced along with the breeze that bared the hurricane in me. I love the way he looks at me like I'm the most precious thing in the word. He has unusually soft lips, it sounds like such a creepy thing to notice but it makes me wonder why I think about him more often than I usually do. You would expect to have such deep conversation with someone who's technically more than a friend but I guess, we kind of are. Sometimes I wonder.. could we be something more?? But man! That's sounds ridiculous. He'd probably never maintain eye contact with me if he knew the ideas that crossed my head.
So here I am, stuck in an infinite loop of confusion. Until now, I never knew the difference between the people that had a part in my life but today the mess seems a bit more clear. If you must know, 'she' keeps me captivated, but 'he' keeps me going. So dear Hamlet, 'To be or not to be?' Love is always the question and strangely always the solution.