Losing someone is hard. You’ll be surprised to find out how much the fact of not seeing someone can affect you, not necessarily because they were someone very close but because even in the worst possible outcomes you never imagined an outcome where they weren’t there.

And that’s the worst part, the realization that hits you. You are never going to see this person again. Ever.You will go to their house and they won’t be there. You won’t be able to tease them about how pale they are or blackmail them about the secret dates they go on. They will never get to see the drawings you make or get to know how Game of thrones ended. You won’t be able to spoil any marvel movie for them like you used to or read out the last chapter of the book they were reading to piss them off. And that my friend will knock the wind out of you.

But once the initial shock wears out, your brain will get to work. It will search through every crevice, every memory trying to find something and everything for you to hold on to so that you can remember them. Everything trivial will seem so important because that is all you get.

But it’s okay because even though you might not have a lot of memories with this person and for a while you will feel guilty for not spending more time with them and making more memories, after a while you’ll learn to remember them in small ways.

It might be by listening to an artist both of you liked once upon a time, or by reading the classics they introduced you to, which at that time seemed so boring but now seem to be so important.

Soon enough you’ll learn to remember them through hand drawn owls and specific coffee orders. And on days you will catch yourself talking about them as if they were still there only for reality to slowly pull you out and remind you that they aren’t there anymore, but don’t be sad because that’s just how it. You will at times forget and then you’ll remember and very quietly you’ll tell them you miss them and hope that wherever they are they can hear you.

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And on some days it will make your heart heavy and your eyes watery because there was so much left for you to tell them, so many more out of the blue visits left to make and even more jokes to share.

But on some days it will feel enough.